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Dr. Love’s Guide to Finding a Date (Part 2)

Posted by Tom on October 8, 2008

Huh? Oh, hello there. Welcome back to my office, the office of Dr. Love, Relationship Cartographer. I’ll give you a moment to review last sessions’s notes before we move on with the next set of places to look for a date. It’s okay, take your time. Okay…ready to move on? Excellent. Here we go!

The Internet - When I say that the Internet may be the single biggest gamble for relationships that you can make, I am not going out on a limb. Shit, I’m not even climbing the damn tree in the first place. The ‘net is loaded with websites that somehow “guarantee” that you’ll find a date/realtionship. Which, of course, suggests that they’re operating on a different definition of the word “guarantee” than I tend to find is commonly accepted, as the only thing that can be “guaranteed” on the Internet is that you can’t go more than 20 minutes without running into porn, hate speech, emo kids, or 16 girls doing borderline versions of all three. Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of success stories, and it’s not like there’s a shortage of dating sites out there: OkCupid, Match.com, E-Harmony, etc, etc. Of course, for every cute sort-of hippy kid on OkCupid, there’s a fake prostitute on Adult Friend Finder with more diseases than a secret government lab, or a 50-year-old fat sweaty man posing as “Hot & Horny College Coed” on Craigslist. But, hey, that’s half the fun, right? Dr. Love has examined what he can of some of these sites, and suggests that, in fact, you may want to steer clear of, say, Adult friend Finder, Craigslist, MySpace, YouTube, and any site offering you Russian mail-order brides. OkCupid is alright, if you don’t mind a ton of 20 year olds telling you they’ve never done this before. It’s also free, whereas Match.com and E-Harmony require you to pay to see the profiles of those very same 20 year olds, who apparently have not only “never done this before,” but have never done it on 3 different sites. The wonders never cease! There is also a relatively new site, called Blind Date.com. In short, you answer a couple questions (such as “Are you a dude?”), and then it pairs you with someone that you hope answered theirs honestly (as opposed to “No” when, in fact, they have a beard). You could very well wind up with a really good looking person that you click with - then again, you could end up with that aforementioned fat, sweaty 50 year old.

In short, finding a date on the Internet is sort of like bobbing for apples in the bayou. Yes, you might come up with something nice and juicy that you love having in your mouth. But you might also get sodomized by an alligator. In the end, whatever you do, make sure to talk to them for a long time before ever meeting for the first time. And meet somewhere public (and preferably well lit - make sure you weren’t lied to by MySpace angles).

Maybe bring some mace, too. Can’t hurt.

Museums/libraries - Before you work up the nerve to approach that cute girl/guy looking at that 10 foot tall painting of a naked woman, you want to ask yourself one important question: “Do I know anything about this artist?” Because Dr. Love knows that when a guy or gal likes looking at paintings or browsing library shelves, it’s not because they’re waiting for The Biggest Loser to come on. They are what are generally refer to as “intelligent” type of people. Or, at the very least, they’re the kind that know art/books, and know them well. Which means that you, as the potential amour, need to find something to talk about with them, and make yourself sound smarter than you (let’s face it) are. Acceptable things to say about the girl from the above painting include “I love the interplay between light and shadow on her lower arm,” or perhaps “I wonder what it would be like to have breasts less fabulous than mine?” Unacceptable things include “Damn, she got huge nipples,” and “I bet I could fit my entire forearm inside her cooch.” “Airbrushing’s got nothing on watercolor” is borderline, and should only be used by the daring. Once you have their attention, be prepared to attempt to keep it. Museums are much easier in this repsect, because you have exhibits you can walk to with the other person, and you will always have something to talk about. Libraries only have books, which means you will need to be able to work quickly, diving into topics that are most likely over your head, about authors you’ve never heard of, that write about themes and ideas you didn’t know existed. On the other hand, you’ll have to sit closer to each other to actually talk (lest you be too loud and incur the wrath of the librarian - unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing), so as long as you remembered to shower (you…you did remember to shower, didn’t you?), you should be alright. Bonus Tip - Walking up to a girl who’s browsing the Romance section and saying anything akin to either “The only thing that would make that cover better is if you were wearing that instead of her” or “That book looks like a good start - how about I be your finish?” is a wonderful way to discover the joys of learning how broken a nose can be when hit with a book.

Grocery Store - This one is tricky. You can use similar methods to what works in museums, but be wary: it’s much, much easier to be creepy when you tell someone you like the look of their zucchini. Your best bet here may be to talk about general situational things, on topics of the long lines, the poor checkout kids that have to deal with said lines, or perhaps on how incredibly hot and sweaty you are while waiting in that line. Actually, on second thought, skip that last part. Instead of that, you should look for segues, such as coffee (”Oh, you’re a fan of organic coffee? I know this great place downtown…”). Whatever you do, keep in mind that everyone at a grocery store hates everyone else there. Everybody just wants to get their food, pay exorbitant prices for it, and then go home to load up on high fructose corn syrup. So you may be fighting a losing battle before it even starts.

Also, know your grocery store, as each type has a very, very different type of customer. The major national chains -Shaw’s, Stop & Shop, etc - will have a large cross-section of people, who are all there just to grab some things and go home. They also tend to be full of soccer moms, as they are the homes to the largest selections of breakfast sugar known to mankind. Stores full of “natural” or “organic” foods - Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s - tend to attract the cute, in-shape college crowd. Ethnic corner stores are usually places you’ll find large women from “the old country,” or their kids, or their slightly balding husbands. If you choose your store well, you’re already halfway there!

The other half, of course, being striking up a conversation without getting a quick semi-frozen carrot to anywhere important.

Well, that’s all the time we have for this session. We still have a little bit of ground left to cover, but you’re probably itching to go try out some of the things you learned here today, aren’t you? Well, good luck, and Dr. Love will see you all next time!

“Nice melons/cucumber” jokes are always a good idea,
Tom

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